Knock knock it's 2am and other such things

Jaded this evening. My 4 year old chose 2am as a special time for sharing her new repertoire of knock knock and other jokes. Whilst it was utterly sweet and charming (yes, even at 2am) it has left me just an eensy weensy bit tired and grumpy today.

Just had a conversation about swimming lessons with my 7 year old. I was trying to persuade her that she only needed to believe in herself a little more. Rather rich coming from me really but anyway the sentiment was heartfelt.

"I was watching you at the end of the lesson and I could see you trying ever so hard and then grabbing for the side. It was as if I could see you thinking that you can't do it even though you can."

"That wasn't what I was thinking about mummy. I was thinking about willies."

"Willies?" (Trying not to hyperventilate now.)

"Yes, it's just that I always see so many of them at swimming."

Heaven help me.

Come Dine With Me

Things you don't expect to hear from a seven year old: "Mummy, will you come and play 'come dine with me'?"

"Erm, ok, how do we play that then?"
"Well I have to pretend to make you a dinner and then when you're in your taxi going home you give me marks out of ten for how good the dinner was."

I'm pretty out of touch with tv at the moment but apparently she's watched this programme at her grandparents house.

"So what's for dinner then?"
"To start with I've made a special sandwich. It's mustard - pause - hummous - pause - and there's icing on the top."
"Yes well it's definitely not like any sandwich I've ever had before. Mmmm. What's next?"
"Next I made pizza with fruit and vegetables. Some of the fruits are a bit unusual."
"Nice, thanks."
"And for pudding I've made a cake that looks like a torch." (handing me a torch)

I gave her 8/10 for the sandwich, purely for originality, 6/10 for the pizza as the unusual fruits didn't go down so well and 10/10 for the cake, just because cake is cake after all.

We went a walking

Went for a walk with the girls this morning. The sun was out, we chatted and strolled like, well, a family. It was very nice. Now that my girls have reached an age where we can do this sort of thing I am becoming more convinced that I am just not naturally what you might call a 'baby' person. It was lovely seeing them grow past that bit, but now they are much more like real people and we can do simple things like walk together I feel much more contented.

I have no desire whatsoever to sound as though I am wishing their lives away but now I just need to get to the point where I don't need to accompany them to those things they like to call 'parties'.

More posting please

I promised myself I'd get writing again but am lacking the evening energy.
I hereby promise myself to promise again when I'm feeling a bit more bouncy.
Promise, honest.

Recovering password

It's been so long since I did this that I couldn't even remember my password.

I stopped writing around the time that I started my new job, which is soon to be filed under 'previous experience' (unfortunate as I've rather enjoyed this one, hey ho). I stopped partly because the new job was rather all-consuming, but also because I'd lost my blogging way a little.

Someone said to me that they thought the title was misguiding as I mainly wrote about 'being mum' and hardly ever about 'being me'. But this confused me and set me thinking. The thing is, I am 'mum' now and that's not really a separate part of me to 'me', it simply is who I am. I don't think it would even be fair to say that it is a part of who I am because it creeps into every aspect of my life and affects my entire outlook. Are you following this?

The reasons the blog was started were many, but part of it was that I wanted to force myself to focus on the good things as I dug myself out of a rather large black hole. Like many people on the steep approach to the big 4 - 0 I suppose I was feeling that life hadn't really turned out the way I'd thought it might. I'm sure this doesn't only apply to people finding themselves in the role of single parent, but that particular role does mean that there's not a great deal of time for all this introspection malarkey, nor is there much time for sleep and that can make it all the more difficult to fight off black clouds.

Now I think it is time to start writing again, I just hope I can find something to say that makes you want to read again.

Girls and boys

I looked after an extra four year old child today. That may sound like a mad thing to do but it was a joy. The last ten days or so I have been struggling with a few inner demons, the resurgence of old resentment at my personal situation, disappointment that a faint light I'd glimpsed at the end of the tunnel had been extinguished, etc etc... all very boring and I won't tell or dwell. But taking two 4 year olds to a local country park was just the tonic I needed.

Having two girls I love the chance to find out a little more about how boys work - clearly I didn't spend enough time doing this in my younger days or I wouldn't now be a lone parent (now, now, said I wouldn't dwell).... but I'm glad that my younger child hasn't fully renounced all contact with the opposite sex just yet.

We set off for a walk to the duck pond, fed said ducks and tramped on a little further. We hadn't gone far before little boy spotted a den-like canopy under a low tree.

"We can make our campfire there" he announced. The next half an hour was spent gathering sticks for our 'fire' (no I didn't really light one, obviously), climbing on fallen trees and taking it in turns to be monsters and dragons. All this while my own four year old proudly walked, clambered and stumbled around with a toy dog stuffed under her t-shirt: "I've got a baby in my tummy." (her, not I!).

Eventually I gave in to the boring parental urge to persuade them to walk on a little and the walk round the lake that usually takes half an hour then turned into a manic race lasting roughly three minutes.

We had a lovely time. All thanks to a different perspective for a few hours.

Yawn

Keep having great ideas for things to write about during the day but then when it gets to sit-down time I just want to crawl into bed.... three year old (four at the weekend - gulp) has been getting up nightly pretty much since I started my new job. The combination of those things is making me extremely tired.... and I'm feeling like I'm drowning in my own things to do list again... birthday Friday... party Saturday... no present yet... no time.... aaarrrggghhh!

Bedtime again I think.